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Chapter 13: Attraction, Love, and Communication Learning Objectives Sexual Attraction Discuss the cultural influence on the standards of physical attractiveness. Identify the main theories of physical and psychological attraction. Describe variability in physical attractiveness across cultures. Explain forms of sexual interest across cultures. Love Describe the main theories of love. Identify different ways love can shape sexual expression in personal relationships. Communication Explain how emotional literacy affects your sexual and intimate communication. Describe the importance of the connection between sexual health, positive decision making, and communication skills. Describe how the concept of emotional literacy contributes to sexual literacy and sexual well-being. Identify the characteristics of effective and ineffective communication in relationships. List ways that communication skills can be enhanced in healthy relationships. Communication and Sexual Well-Being Identify effective ways to say no to a partner’s request. Chapter Outline Chapter 13: Attraction, Love, and Communication Learning Objectives 13.1 Discussion Topic 13.1 Discussion Topic 13.2 Discussion Topic 13.3 Discussion Topic 13.4 Learning Objectives 13.2 Discussion Topic 13.5 Discussion Topic 13.6 Learning Objectives 13.3 Discussion Topic 13.7 Discussion Topic 13.8 Discussion Topic 13.9 13. Sexual Attraction Theories of Sexual Desire and Attraction Lust, the raw form of desire and attraction, is not the same as love (Stoller, 1979). Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy—it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces and imperfections and flaws become known. Physical Attractiveness Many people want to deny that we base romantic attraction on the physical appearance of others, but it is hard to deny this fact in the face of research. One reason we seem to be so drawn to people who are physically attractive is because we often make inferences about what physically attractive and unattractive people might be like or how they might behave. Essentially, whether we like to admit to it or not, we often tend to “judge a book by its cover.” Research about this behavior and attitude has led to a theory based on a “what is beautiful is good” stereotype, called the halo effect—that is, the tendency to think of someone we perceive to be attractive or beautiful in positive terms. Consider these research findings about physical attractiveness: It is indicative of intelligence (Zebrowitz & Rhodes, 2004). Attractive people are promoted more often in the workplace than unattractive people (Morrow et al., 1990). Attractive people have a higher social status than others (Kalick, 1988). Even infants as young as 6 months prefer looking at more attractive faces (Ramsey, Langlois, Hoss, Rubenstein, & Griffin, 2004). Beauty and Sexiness Heterosexual men appear to be attracted to women who more closely match the ideals of their society in terms of height, weight, and facial looks (Fisher, 2004). They also respond to the size of a woman’s bust and hips. Chemistry and Attraction When a strong match occurs, it may be that a person has found someone who is similar in terms of physical attractiveness. This matching hypothesis suggests that people select romantic and sexual partners based on the other person’s attractiveness. Psychological Attraction The similarity-attraction hypothesis suggests that the more similar two individuals are, the greater the attraction between them will be (Byrne, 1991). In addition, the theory of homogamy states that we tend to be more attracted to people who share characteristics such as attachment style, political and religious attitudes, socioeconomic status, level of education, and intelligence. Is the adage “opposites attract” true? This difference, or opposite, is referred to as complementarity. One could argue that complementarity is important when it comes to personality traits, but it may not be important when discussing values or attitudes in relationships. Based on the available research, similarity appears to be a more important, powerful force than complementarity in successful, long-term relationships. Biological Attraction Many studies imply that there are powerful but hidden biological differences in sexual attraction, which may be influenced by genes, hormones, and other factors of sexual individuality. The biology of sexual attraction suggests that such innate differences may be at the heart of some heterosexual male and female responses when it comes to arousal, attraction, and sexual behavior. Same Sex Attraction If people are of the same sex and if attraction depends upon physical differences, then how can they be attracted to each other? Answering this question may yield some answers about how and why people become attracted to someone. The exotic becomes erotic (EBE) theory of sexual orientation by Daryl Bem is a possible answer to this question. Bem’s theory states that people are attracted to what is unusual or exotic to them. He goes on to say that for heterosexuals, it is the difference of anatomy wrapped up with the cultural stereotype that men and women come from two different worlds. With gay men and lesbian women, he states that people are attracted to something in the other person’s body or personality that excites them because it is different from their own body or personality. For example, temperamental and personality differences are considered sexual and sufficiently different to arouse some individual women to be attracted to some other women to them. Sexual Scripts Individual tastes, desires, arousal, and expressions in sex and love have been termed “love maps” (Money, 1986). When constructed into something that guides our actions internally and interpersonally, these sexual characteristics have been referred to as “sexual scripts”. Individuals and cultures interact in complicated ways when it comes to sexuality. Sociologists and psychologists have long believed that sexual feelings and sexual excitement are not purely spontaneous. As people focus on each other, certain rules kick in: rules about what to say, how much to flatter, when to smile back, and how far to go in touching a stranger at a party. One way to understand how people learn this psychosocial process is with sexual script theory, the idea that individuals learn the sexual rules and roles to play, just as actors learn lines from scripts that determine their roles and actions (Gagnon & Simon, 1973). Sexual scripts, then, help people to understand information about sexual nature, fantasies, sexual motivations, and physical attraction. II. Love One group of researchers view the actions of a loving relationship as physical and emotional expressions of affection; a desire to offer pleasure and satisfaction to one’s partner; compassion, tenderness, and sensitivity to the needs of the other; a desire to share in activities and pursuits; an appropriate level of sharing possessions; an ongoing and honest exchange of personal feelings; and the process of offering concern, comfort, and encouragement of a partner’s goals and aspirations (Firestone, Firestone, & Catlett, 2006). A. Theories of Love Sternberg’s Theory of Love—Psychologist Robert Sternberg (1988) defines his research as the triangular theory of love. The theory suggests that people can have varying degrees of intimacy, passion, and commitment at any one moment in time. Finding a balance that works for the sex plus love needs of each individual is the key. Its core components include the following: Intimacy—the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness Passion—the feelings and desires that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation Commitment—the feelings leading one to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other These three components interact with each other and with the actions they produce (Figure 13.1). In all, seven kinds of love experiences may occur, plus the experience of “liking.” Infatuation Empty love Romantic love Companionate love Fatuous love Consummate love Nonlove Lee’s Styles of Love—John Alan Lee developed another theory about the concept of love in personal relationships. It centers on the idea that people have a style of how they approach love in romantic relationships. He refers to these love styles as “colors of love.” He color-coded these love styles into six major categories and named them using terms from Greek mythology. Figure 13.2 summarizes these brief descriptions of the six love styles and their corresponding color: Eros (beauty and sexuality) Ludus (entertainment and excitement) Storge (peace and friendship) Pragma (practicality and tradition) Mania (elation and depression) Agape (selflessness and compassion) B. Types of Attachment Attachment theory helps to explain how we attach to caregivers during infancy. These infant attachment styles may have strong implications for attachment to romantic partners. Infants attach to their caregivers in three distinct styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. The preoccupied attachment style is characterized by a person who has a negative view of self and a positive view of others. These individuals feel anxious in their relationships, are highly dependent on others, and invest a significant amount of energy in relationships that are not necessarily in their best interest to maintain. The fearful attachment style is characterized by a person who has highly negative views of both self and others. Observation suggests that these persons are socially avoidant because they are fearful of the level of vulnerability often required in intimate relationships. People with a dismissing attachment style tend to have a positive view of self and a negative view of others. They place very little value in intimacy and often choose independence and autonomy over relational interdependence. C. When Love Ends: The Dissolution of Relationships While the reasons for the dissolution of relationships can vary, the reality is that this issue has not been well studied in scientific and academic research. Some of the most common reasons are: Selfishness Inequality Intolerance Incompatibility Deception Poor communication The end of a relationship, though possibly painful, can be a valuable learning experience. Learning about why a relationship ends can help people understand themselves better to avoid similar pitfalls in the next relationship. Loving, successful relationships take a lifetime of care, which means there is room to improve. III. Communication The biggest complicating issue in learning to communicate well is the subject matter—sex. Many people find themselves at a loss when it comes to communicating about sexuality. A. Emotional Literacy: Communicating Your Needs Sexuality includes dealing with feelings, which means emotions play a large role when communicating about it. In learning how to express these emotions, people develop emotional literacy, which is the capacity to perceive and to express feelings. Research does show that learning to develop keener emotional expression can heighten people’s emotional intelligence. Other research indicates that intimate communication relies on emotion work, which is the attempt to change an emotion or feeling (Hochschild, 2001). Offering encouragement, showing appreciation, listening closely to what someone has to say, and expressing empathy with another person’s feelings (even when they are not shared) are all examples of emotion work in relationships. B. Sexual Language Becoming a good sexual communicator is a skill that can be acquired. The following are some obstacles that may block having easy and meaningful conversations about sexuality (Strgar, 2010): Sex myths Sexual fears Negative beliefs about sex Lack of sex information Privacy and boundaries C. Nonverbal Sexual Communication and Flirting Even when words are not being said, people can communicate volumes through silence, facial expressions, proximity, sounds, and body movements. Nonverbal messages, though, may not be clear. For example, does a smile communicate being happy or nervous? Does silence communicate thoughtfulness or does it express distance, disapproval, or hostility? The difficulty with nonverbal communication comes when we don’t have a cross-cultural understanding. For example, in the United States, it is considered a sign of respect and courtesy to maintain eye contact with someone while they are speaking. In many other cultures, eye contact is considered to be abrasive or a sign of disrespect. Nonverbal behaviors are also important in how people express romantic or sexual interest. One of these behaviors is flirting, which easily can be misinterpreted because it is often inherently vague. Though people can flirt verbally, nonverbal flirting plays a significant role. Flirtatious behaviors convey initial interest in potential partners. They can also be used effectively to pace a dating relationship. People in established relationships can use flirting to interject some fun. D. Sexual Self-Disclosure: To Reveal or Not to Reveal When it comes to disclosure about past sexual histories a theory called communication privacy management theory suggests that the revelation of private information in a relationship has the potential to leave individuals feeling vulnerable or resentful regarding the shared information (Petronio, 2002). When disclosing information relating to past sexual experiences there may be a stigma of “too much experience” or “too little experience” associated with that disclosure. E. Characteristics of effective Communication When it comes to sexual communication, many people may be surprised to learn that talking about sex is just one aspect of good sexual communication. The ability to listen and comprehend what someone is saying is often one of the most difficult skills to master in communication, including sexual communication. An active listener is someone who both listens to and is genuinely interested in what the other person is saying. F. Styles of Communication To categorize marriages, John Gottman (1994) noted factors such as the frequency of fights, facial expressions, tone of voice, content of speech, and physiological responses (such as pulse rate and amount of sweating) of both partners during confrontations. He found three different types of problem solving into which healthy marriages tend to settle: Validating—Validating couples let each other know in the midst of disagreement that they each consider the emotions of the other as valid even if they don’t agree with the emotions. Volatile—Volatile couples are those who appear to thrive on constant conflict. Conflict-avoiding—Conflict-avoiding couples appear to be the complete opposite of volatile couples because these couples avoid conflict. All three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the future success of a relationship (Gottman, 1994). G. Characteristics of Ineffective Communication Criticism—This behavior can begin when one partner complains about the habits of the other. Complaining can be a healthy factor in a relationship because each partner can express needs and possibly get them met. Criticizing involves attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior or event. Contempt—Contempt is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse someone. People may use both words and nonverbal communication to lodge insults right at a partner’s sense of self. Defensiveness—Defensiveness is a likely outcome when someone disrespects another person. The following are some signs of defensiveness in interactions: Denying responsibility Making excuses Disagreeing with partners attribute negativity in thoughts Cross-complaining Repeating oneself Stonewalling—Stonewalling often happens while a couple is trying to talk about issues and one partner literally turns into a “stone wall.” This person disengages from the interaction both verbally and nonverbally and becomes silent. H. Improving Communication Skills When learning how to improve communication, a few tips can help improve sexual communication with partners. These suggestions may be useful not just at the beginning of a relationship but throughout its life in order to prevent needing to repair damage caused by ineffective communication: Pick neutral times and places Read and discuss Engage in active listening Validate and support your partners efforts to communicate IV. Communication and Sexual Well-being When a romantic partner asks for sexual intimacy or to engage in a role play or fantasy or to try a new position that makes the other person uncomfortable, it is important to have the necessary skills to politely refuse without alienating the other partner and causing a barrier to future requests. There are ways to make up or offer suggestions for alternative activities including the following: Say no with affection Suggest alternatives Be open Key Terms Halo effect—a positive perception of someone based on physical attractiveness Matching hypothesis—the hypothesis that people select romantic and sexual partners based upon the other person’s attractiveness Similarity-attraction hypothesis—the more similar two individuals are, the greater the attraction between them will be Homogamy—ideal that we tend to be more attracted to people who share characteristics such as attachment style, political and religious attitudes, socioeconomic status, level of education, and intelligence Complementarity—the idea that opposites attract, that individuals are attracted to what’s different in others Exotic becomes erotic (EBE) theory—a theory that states people are attracted to what is unusual or exotic to them Sexual script theory—a theory that individuals develop scripts for sexual roles and behavior that incorporate the sexual rules of their culture Triangular theory of love—suggests that people can have varying degrees of intimacy, passion, and commitment at any one time in their romantic relationships Intimacy—one component of the triangular theory of love that includes feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness Passion—one component of the triangular theory of love that consists of the feelings and desires that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation Commitment—one component of the triangular theory of love that consists of the feelings leading one person to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that partner Attachment theory—a theory developed by Ainsworth that helps to explain how we bond with caregivers during infancy and childhood Emotion work—individuals’ attempts to try and change in degree or quality and emotion or feeling Communication privacy management theory—idea that the revelation of private information in a relationship has the potential to leave individuals feeling vulnerable or resentful regarding the shared information Instructor Manual for Human Sexuality: Self, Society, and Culture Gilbert Herdt, Nicole Polen-Petit 9780073532165, 9780077817527
