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This document contains chapters 7 to 9 Chapter 7 adult sexuality and relationships TOTAL TEACHING PACKAGE OUTLINE Lecture Outline Resources Reference Chapter 7: Adult Sexuality and Relationships SEXUALITY IN YOUNG ADULTHOOD Teaching Suggestions: 1(A), 4(B) Learning Objectives: #1,2,3,4 mate selection: how and Why we couple Teaching Suggestions: 1(B) Learning Objectives: #5,6,7,8,9 adult Partnerships Teaching Suggestions: 2(B), 4(C) Learning Objectives: #10,11,12,13,14,15,16, 17,18 sexuality and aging Teaching Suggestions: 1(C), 2(A), 3(A), 4(A) Learning Objectives: #19,20,21,22,23,24,25, 26 Sexual effects of illness Teaching Suggestions: Learning Objectives: #27, 28 LEARNING OBJECTIVES After reading this chapter, students should be able to: 1. Briefly describe sexual behaviors and risks commonly engaged in during the transition from adolescence to young adulthood. 2. Describe trends in college experiences and how these may impact sexuality. 3. Describe the concept of gender difference regarding views on intimacy. 4. Describe the concept of “hooking up” and how it has been researched. 5. List and describe three strategies for sexual connections (one night stands, FWBs, and booty calls). 6. Briefly describe the classic psychology theory of mate selection. 7. Describe the social network theory of coupling. 8. Describe the assumptions of equal status contact with regard to coupling. 9. List and describe four evolutionary theory hypotheses regarding mate selection. 10. Briefly describe relational commitment and sexual activity trends in marriage. 11. List rates of U.S. cohabitation, and describe the benefits and drawbacks of this kind of partnership. 12. Describe factors that influence rates of sexual activity in relationships. 13. Briefly describe U.S. perceptions of monogamy. 14. Describe recent findings regarding the rates of sexual infidelity. 15. Describe the types of extradyadic relationships mentioned in the text. 16. Briefly discuss the relationship of the sexual revolution of the 70s to the current prominence of alternative-to-marriage relationships. 17. Describe the emotional consequences of infidelity. 18. Describe trends, including ages and rates of marriage in the U.S. 19. Describe the rates of, influence of, and social responses to divorce. 20. Describe general concerns about, and support for sexuality and aging individuals. 21. List and describe three myths about sexuality and older people. 22. Describe institutional limitations regarding sexual expression of older individuals. 23. Describe physiological factors and surgical procedures that may influence aging sexuality. 24. List and describe factors that impact sexuality in older individuals. 25. Describe perceptions about masturbation and sexual activity in older individuals. 26. Describe research findings on same-gender orientated aging individuals. 27. Describe ways in which older individuals can maximize sexual expression. 28. Describe five physical illnesses that impact sexual activity. 29. Describe the impact of mental health on sexual activities. CHAPTER OVERVIEW This chapter continues where Chapter 6 leaves off, furthering a full understanding of sexual behavior and its place in the human life span. Here the author focuses on adult sexuality, dispels myths of sexuality in the elderly, and addresses issues of health and illness in regard to sexual activity. When people form couples today, they face the conflicts of high expectations versus reality and limited resources; individual fulfillment versus maintenance of the partnership; and the hope of a lifetime relationship versus the awareness of how frequently relationships break up. There are three main theoretical approaches to understanding how people select a mate or sexual partner. Psychological theory assumes some inner mechanism of attraction; social network theory demonstrates the significance of social groups in finding a partner; and evolutionary theory holds that certain innate tendencies of males and females shape their mate selection processes. Sexual activity tends to be highest in the earlier years of a relationship, gradually decreasing in frequency. Sexual satisfaction does not seem to be correlated with frequency, and married couples express more satisfaction than other groups. At least one-half of marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation, with 70 percent of divorced people going on to subsequent marriages, one-half of which also end in divorce. Even though older people retain their interests and physical capacities for sexual expression, our youth-oriented culture often fails to recognize it. The concerns of gay, lesbian, and bisexual persons as they age seem to be essentially the same as for heterosexual persons. Gays do not face a greater likelihood of lowered self-esteem or depression as they age. How sexually active an older person is depends on past activity, partner availability, physical health, and knowledge of sexuality. TEACHING SUGGESTIONS 1. Large Group Activities Marriage Activity Objective: To help students develop an understanding of the complexities of marriage. Method: Instruct students to get into pairs. Explain that they are to role-play as a married couple. The order of instruction should create several opposite-sex and same-sex couples. The instructor will introduce several topics for discussion, allowing 5 to 10 minutes. Have students write down the conflicts and compromises that develop from each topic. Suggested list of topics include: 1. children: how many, methods of discipline, adoption possible, last name child will have; 2. money: a joint or separate account, who pays what bills, vacation spending, housework: 3. division of duties, yard work (tell your students that they are not allowed to hire someone to do the work); 4. sex: how often, oral and anal sex occurrences, what variety of positions possible, swinging, and variety of places. Instructor then discusses each topic in a large group setting, asking various pairs what they decided and allowing comments from others to generate interest. Upon completion: Students will have gained an awareness of some of the issues to be explored with their partners before the wedding ritual or marriage. Coupling Cycle Objective: To explore the three stages of the coupling cycle. Method: Ask students if they are willing to share stories reflective of the expansive stage, the contraction and betrayal stage, and the resolution stage. Students giving examples will enhance comprehension as the instructor lectures on the information. To break the ice, the instructor could always initiate this discussion by citing examples. Upon completion: The sharing of examples may help to create a deeper understanding, as well as class unity. A Kind of Sexual Revolution Objective: To examine issues involving the elderly and sexuality. Method: Ask students their views on the elderly having sex. Have them read the boxed article “A Kind of Sexual Revolution.” Ask whether this information altered anyone’s perspective. Should nursing homes provide privacy areas for those not married? What policies should exist to govern sexual interaction among nursing home residents? Upon completion: This discussion will help students to recognize that even the elderly have needs and desires for intimacy and sex. 2. Guest Speakers Invite an administrator from a local nursing home facility to discuss sexual activity among the residents and what policies that facility has in place to support sex expression. Contact the campus GLBT group and/or PFLAG to organize a panel presentation. Invite a lesbian, gay man, a person who identifies as bisexual and parents/siblings of g/l/b people to talk about their personal stories. Encourage an open and direct dialogue to educate and raise awareness about g/l/b experiences in your area. 3. Questionnaires Looking Ahead: Sex in Later Years (in main text) Ask students to complete the self-evaluation at the end of this chapter in the main text. This tool may provide good discussion and debate material. 4. SexSource Video Bank The SexSource video bank provides an excellent array of short videos that may serve as discussion starters. In order to elicit the best responses, it is advisable to pair students in groups of two for “pair sharing.” Give them the initial starter questions below, and then show the videos after some initial discussion. Instructors should preview videos for time and content. Additionally, you may want to download clips prior to class to ensure they are ready for viewing regardless of network connectivity. All video clips may be found at: http://www.mhhe.com/sexsource The Personals video clip – Ask paired students: How often do the elderly have sex? Does sexual desire decrease with age? How does sexuality change as we mature? This video shows “Herald,” an elderly man speaking about his sexuality. It’s a good discussion starter for sexuality and aging, and it’s useful to begin dispelling the myth of the elderly being asexual. Mike on Marriage video clip – Ask paired students: What does it take to make a marriage last? What is the ‘right age’ to get married? Are children from a divorced home more or less likely to have a good marriage? In this video Mike discusses his views on marriage, both as an adult man and an individual from a divorced home. Keeping Your Mate video clip – Ask paired students: Can science help to save a marriage? What are the components of a good marriage? How can you save a marriage that’s gone bad? In this video Janice and Charles seek the help of psychologists and scientists to save their marriage. This video provides an excellent starter for the topic of marriage and illustrates how modern science can be employed to help a troubled one. GLOSSARY cohabitation: living together and sharing sex without marrying. consensual adultery: permission given to at least one partner within the marital relationship to participate in extramarital sexual activity. extradyadic relationships: relationships in which someone has some sort of emotional or sexual intimacy with someone other than the primary partner in loco parentis: a Latin phrase meaning “in the place of the parent.” monogamous: sharing sexual relations with only one person. polyandry (PAH-lee-an-dree): also referring to being married to more than one spouse usually refers to a woman having more than one husband. Cross-culturally, it is less common than polygamy. polygamy (puh-LIG-uh-mee): practice, in some cultures, of being married to more than one spouse, usually referring to a man having more than one wife. psychosexual development: factors that form a person’s sexual feelings, orientations, and patterns of behavior. secondary abstinence: choosing not to have sexual intercourse after having experienced intercourse one or more times. social script: a complex set of learned responses to a particular situation that is formed by social influences. CHAPTER 8 SEXUAL INDIVIDUALITY AND SEXUAL VALUES TOTAL TEACHING PACKAGE OUTLINE Lecture Outline Resources Reference Chapter 8: Sexual Individuality and Sexual Values LABELING SEX: ESTABLISHING STANDARDS Teaching Suggestions: 1(A), 5(C) Learning Objectives: #1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 SEXUAL INDIVIDUALITY Teaching Suggestions: 3(B), 7(A), 7(B) Learning Objectives: #12,13,14,15,16,17,18, 19,20,21,22,23 SEX AND VALUES Teaching Suggestions: 1(A), 2(A), 3(A), 3(B), 4(A), 5(A), 5(B), 7(C) Learning Objectives: #24,25,26,27,28,29,30, 31,32 SEXUALITY AND DISABILITY GROUPS Teaching Suggestions: 1(B), 1(C), 3(C), 4(B), 6(A) Learning Objectives: #33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40 LEARNING OBJECTIVES After reading this chapter, the student should be able to: Describe Western cultural perceptions of normality and abnormality. Describe cultural influences regarding acceptable sexual behavior. Describe cultural perceptions of and labels for masturbation. Describe the terms and labels used by sexologists to explain atypical sexual behaviors. List and describe six “standards” for sexual arousal and behavior. Discuss the components of the eleven Global Sexual Rights established by the World Association for Sexual Health (WAS). Describe how cultural standards about sexuality influence people’s lives. Describe ethnocentricity and the dualistic normal/not normal dichotomy. List and describe four methods of defining normalcy. Define eroto centricity and describe how sexual orientation labels are not easily culturally applied. Describe the variables associated with describing sexual preferences. List and describe terms used to describe sexual and affectional identities. Describe the origins of sexual individuality. List and describe six generalizations regarding the development of sexual individuality. List the variables of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid. List and describe the three attitudinal categories discerned from the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS). Briefly describe the influence of attitudinal and demographic variables regarding sexuality. Describe the link between sexual attitudes and behaviors. Describe why homophobia may be an inaccurately used term. Describe the effects of negative attitudes towards homosexuals. Describe the influence of heterosexism on sexual orientation issues. Describe the nature of biphobia and transphobia. Describe externalized and internalized “phobias.” List and describe two perspectives of moral values. List and describe six ethical traditions. Describe Western and Eastern religious influences regarding God and sexuality. Describe two contrasting religious views of world trends. Describe the influences of religious beliefs and denominations regarding sexual behaviors. Discuss hedonistic and ascetic traditions. Briefly describe Piaget and Kohlber’s theories of moral development in humans. Discuss four widely accepted moral principles that are supported by most religious institutions. Discuss the five basic guidelines for analyzing an ethical dilemma. Describe eight steps for establishing sexual values. Describe how disabilities can influence an individual’s sexuality. Describe the need for sexuality education for individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities. Briefly describe the principle of normalization and its history. Describe learning challenges regarding sexuality faced by individuals with visual and auditory disabilities. Describe the capacity of spinal cord–injured individuals to engage in sexual behaviors. Describe behavioral and relational challenges faced by individuals with SCI. Describe how various physical and mental disabilities impact sexual functioning. Describe challenges that institutionalized individuals face regarding expressing their sexuality. CHAPTER OVERVIEW Students can use this chapter to clarify many issues relating to sexual standards, sexual individuality, and normalcy. It raises some fundamental questions in the field of sexology on which people continue to disagree; these issues can be used to stimulate discussion and debate in the classroom on personal sexual values. The chapter also introduces some of the complexities involved in understanding sexual orientations and how they are defined. Definitions of normalcy and abnormalcy are influenced by prevailing social norms. In present-day Western culture, sex is still judged by several fundamental standards: two-person heterosexuality, focus on coitus, expectation of orgasm and romantic feelings, and degree of safety. The concept of normalcy can be determined by statistical norms, prevailing expert opinion (such as DSM-IV), moral standards perpetuated by religion and law, or as part of a more flexible continuum. Normalcy is a relative concept. The term “homosexual” often has negative connotations. The terms “gay” and “lesbian” are used in reference to people when describing same-gender orientation. The term “bisexual” is used to describe some level of attraction to and activity with members of both sexes. The factors that lead to the development of sexual individuality are highly complex. Patterns seem to be established by adolescence and probably develop through a combination of learning experiences superimposed on some biological predispositions. Sexual choices are affected by sexual attitudes. The National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS) has identified three broad categories of sex-related attitudes in the United States: traditional, relational, and recreational. There is no single system of “American Values” regarding sex. Clear links have been observed between attitudes and sexual practices, numbers of partners, and how often one thinks about sex. Frequency of sex does not seem to be related to attitudinal group. Large portions of people in the United States have negative feelings and discriminatory attitudes about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. These fears and misconceptions are called “homophobia”, “biphobia”, and “transphobia”. Leading professional organizations no longer view same-gender orientation within the framework of pathology. Decisions about sexuality are often made after weighing moral values, religious teachings, and ethical beliefs. Some people believe that moral values are built in, whereas others believe that they are socially constructed. Many people believe that spirituality is connected to sexuality. In recent years, religions have been debating and changing their positions with regard to sexuality. Noncoercion, nondeceit, not treating people as “ends,” and respect for beliefs of others are moral principles that guide sexual decisions today. In developing sexual values that are right for you, it is necessary to see how you will align yourself with the values of your society and culture. Self-examination and introspection are necessary to making a decision that will be healthy and nonhurtful for yourself and others. People with disabilities have the right to recognition and expression of their sexuality. Intellectually or developmentally disabled people need special approaches to sexuality education, including how to express their sexuality in private and how to employ appropriate methods of birth control. They are particularly vulnerable to sexual abuse. There is still no ethical consensus regarding the issues of sterilization of the developmentally disabled. Spinal cord injuries may be the physical aspects of sexual response. Most paraplegics and quadriplegics can find levels of sexual functioning that will be satisfying to themselves and their partners. Many couples experience relational problems after one partner has had such an injury. There may be a need for facilitated sex depending upon the disabilities. Institutional settings raise many issues of concern and debate regarding the residents’ rights and options for experiencing sexual activity. TEACHING SUGGESTIONS 1. Activities for Small/Large Groups A) What’s Your Choice?* Objective: To provide an opportunity for students to think critically and voice their opinions about birth control, contraception, and activism and education regarding access to methods. Method: Tell students that each corner of the classroom is identified as one of the following A, B, C, or D. After you read a scenario and the corresponding choices, the students will move to the corner of the room that fits their response. When students have moved to the respective corners, discuss and process why choices were made. Engage students in critical thinking conversation regarding practicality and viability of their choice. Are there other options that were not listed as choices? Scenarios: 1. You live in ancient times. Your contraception choices are: a) crocodile dung mixed to paste and inserted in the vagina. b) a magical or folk belief such as rocking and jumping after intercourse. c) abstinence from intercourse. d) doing nothing to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. 2. You live in 1920 America and the Comstock Laws prohibit information and services for contraception. Would you: a) advise people to get a method from a private doctor and use it in secret? b) write a letter to the editor protesting the laws? c) join a protest march supporting Margaret Sanger’s efforts? d) do nothing and support the status quo? 3. You live in the 1990’s America and know that teens are at double the risk of unplanned pregnancy and abortion compared to teens in other developed countries. Would you: a) go to a Board of Education meeting advocating better contraception education in school? b) join a committee requesting the PTA to sponsor a workshop for parents on “Talking to your teen about sex and contraception”? c) join a committee advocating programs that encourage students to “say no” to sex? d) do nothing? *Adapted from Positive Images curricula by Peggy Brick and Bill Taverner, Center for Family Life Education, Planned Parenthood Greater Northern NJ Inc., 2001. B) Four Adjectives exercise Objective: To encourage critical thinking about feelings regarding sexual activity for people with disabilities. Prior to class, prepare two half sheets of paper with one question per page. On one paper write: List four adjectives or words that describe how you feel when you think about sexual expression and behaviors between you and your partner. On the other half sheet of paper write: List four adjectives or words that describe how you feel when you think about sexual expression and behaviors between two people who have disabilities. {You can change “disabilities” to reflect a particular population such as spinal cord injury, mental retardation and developmental disabilities, paraplegia, etc.} Not announcing that the questions are different, distribute one half sheet to the left side of the classroom and one half sheet to the right side of the classroom. Give your students a few minutes to answer the question, and then ask for volunteers to read what they listed. Write in the student responses in two columns reflecting the distribution of the papers with the two different questions. The column on the right corresponds with the question that the students on the right received and vice versa for the left column. After you have several responses listed on the board, ask students to discuss the difference in the lists. Analyze and process, then identify that the questions were different on each side of the room. Analyze and process attitudes, values, and prejudices that became obvious because of the two lists on the board. C) Name that movie! Objective: To have students explore the visibility of sexual expression among people with disabilities in film. Method: Brainstorm a list of movies, present and past, that portray sexual expression of characters with disabilities. Process and discuss the results of the list. 2. Discussion Topics What criterion do we use to determine if a person’s behavior is normal? Bring in the concept of statistical normalcy and normalcy by expert opinion. Use question-and-answer method with teacher as moderator. Get input from students and emphasize factors that reflect objectives. 3. Essays/Papers/Evaluation Where do our values come from and how are they enforced? Discuss various ethical traditions such as hedonistic, ascetic, and situation ethics, as well as internal controls and various levels of external controls. How do we deal with differences in sexual values in a pluralistic society without giving up our own? Compare a homogeneous society with one value system to a pluralistic society with multiple value systems. Talk about the importance of asserting your values when you are in a sexual situation. How can people with disabilities lead a reasonably normal sexual and relationship life? Discuss the importance of sex to the self-esteem of people with disabilities, and how they can alter their sexual behavior to compensate for their disability. 4. Role-Plays A) Have one student play the role of a gay male and the other of a homophobic person. Explore the feelings that the homophobic character has toward the gay character and why he feels being gay is abnormal, bringing in moral and statistical criterion. Have the gay character express some of the problems he has in life that heterosexuals do not have. B) Have one student play the role of a person with a disability who tries to develop a relationship with a person who does not have a disability. Have the players discuss their feelings and why or why not the relationship might or might not develop. 5. Case Study Questions A) Read the Susan-Alan case study (in the main text). If you were Susan, would you behave the way she did? Why or why not? If you behaved like Susan, could you be friends with Alan? Why or why not? B) Read the Derek–English Professor case study in the main text. What would you do if you were Derek and why? How would you feel about it? C) Read the Lucy-Karen case study in the main text. How would you feel if you were Karen and this was the first time you had ever felt attracted to a naked female? What would you do if you were Lucy? How would you feel about Karen’s attraction to you? 6. Speakers A) Invite people with disabilities, an employee from the County Board of Mental Retardation, or an employee from a mental health facility and a rehabilitation facility to discuss sexuality and disability. 7. SexSource Video Bank The SexSource video bank provides an excellent array of short videos that may serve as discussion starters. In order to elicit the best responses, it is advisable to pair students in groups of two for “pair sharing.” Give them the initial starter questions below, and then show the videos after some initial discussion. Instructors should preview videos for time and content. Additionally, you may want to download clips prior to class to ensure they are ready for viewing regardless of network connectivity. All video clips may be found at: http://www.mhhe.com/sexsource Men Talk Sex video clip – Ask paired students: How important is sex to men and women? What needs does it fulfill? How are men and women different/similar when it comes to their sexual needs? This video is an excellent discussion starter on the differences and similarities in sexual desire between men and women. It is best used when paired with the ‘What Women Want’ video clip. What Women Want video clip – Pair with the ‘Men Talk Sex’ video clip and use the same questions as stated above. Dance of Life video clip – Ask paired students: Do you want to be with one person for the rest of your life? What is the value of marriage? Is it wrong to want multiple partners? This video broaches the topic of sexual values, specifically in terms of monogamy and marriage. It’s an excellent jumping off point for the topic of sex and values, as well as marriage. GLOSSARY abnormal: anything considered not to be normal; that is, not conforming to the subjective standards a social group has established as the norm. affectional: relating to feelings or emotions, such as romantic attachments. asceticism (uh-SET-uh-siz-uhm): usually characterized by celibacy, this philosophy emphasizes spiritual purity through self-denial and self-discipline. biphobia: prejudice, negative attitudes, and misconceptions relating to bisexual people and their lifestyles. bisexual: refers to some degree of sexual activity with or attraction to members of both sexes. coitus (KOH-i-tuhs or koh-EE-tuhs): heterosexual, penis-in-vagina intercourse. deviation: term applied to behaviors or orientations that do not conform to a society’s accepted norms; it often has negative connotations. erotocentricity (ee-ROT-oh-sen-TRIZ-ih-tee): the application of ethnocentric-like judgments to sexual values and behaviors, creating the assumption that our own ways of approaching sexuality are the only “right” ways. ethnocentricity (eth-noh-sen-TRIZ-ih-tee): the tendency of the members of one culture to assume that their values and norms of behavior are the “right” ones in comparison to other cultures. facilitated sex: assistance provided to a person with severe physical disabilities in order to enable them to achieve sexual pleasure through masturbation or with a partner. foreplay: sexual activities shared in early stages of sexual arousal with the term implying that they are leading to a more intense, orgasm-oriented form of activity such as intercourse. gay: refers to persons who have a predominantly same-gender sexual orientation and identity. More often applied to males. hedonists (HEED-on-ists): people who believe that pleasure is the highest good. heterosexism: the biased and discriminatory assumption that people are or should be attracted to members of the other gender. heterosexual: attractions or activities between males and females. homophobia (ho-muh-FOH-bee-uh): strongly held negative attitudes and irrational fears relating to gay men and/or lesbians and their lifestyles. homosexual: term traditionally applied to affectional and sexual attractions and activities between members of the same gender. lesbian (LEZ-bee-uhn): refers to females who have a predominantly same-gender sexual orientation and identity. moral values: beliefs associated with ethical issues, or rights and wrongs; they are often a part of sexual decision making. normal: a highly subjective term used to describe sexual behaviors and orientations. Standards of normalcy are determined by social, cultural, and historical standards. normalization: integration of mentally retarded persons into the social mainstream as much as possible. paraphilia (par-uh-FIL-ee-uh): a newer term used to describe sexual orientations and behaviors that vary from the norm; it means “a love beside.” paraplegic: a person paralyzed in the legs, and sometimes pelvic areas, as the result of injury to the spinal cord. quadriplegic: a person paralyzed in the upper body, including the arms, and lower body, as the result of spinal cord injury. self-gratification: giving oneself pleasure, as in masturbation; a term typically used today instead of more negative descriptors. self-pleasuring: self-gratification; masturbation. sexual individuality: the unique set of sexual needs, orientations, fantasies, feelings, and activities that develops in each human being. straight: slang term for heterosexual. transvestite: an individual who dresses in clothing and adopts mannerisms considered appropriate for the opposite sex. transphobia: negative attitudes, prejudice, and misconceptions toward transgender individuals and lifestyles. values: system of beliefs with which people view life and make decisions, including their sexual decisions. variation: a less pejorative term to describe nonconformity to accepted norms. Chapter 9 Sexuality, Communication, and Relationships TOTAL TEACHING PACKAGE OUTLINE Lecture Outline Resources Reference Chapter 9: Sexuality, Communication, and Relationships COMMUNICATING ABOUT SEX Teaching Suggestions: 1(A), 2(C), 4(A) Learning Objectives: #1,2,3,4,5,6 EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION Teaching Suggestions: 2(A), 2(B), 4(C), 5(A), 6(A), 8(A), (C) Learning Objectives: #7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15, 16,17 MAINTAINING LOVING RELATIONSHIPS Teaching Suggestions: 3(A), 3(B), 4(B), 6(A) 8(B) Learning Objectives: #18,19,20,21,22,23, 24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38 CONNECTING: FOR BETTER OR WORSE Teaching Suggestions: 3(A), 3(B), 4(B), 7(A), 8(B) Learning Objectives: #30,31,32,33,34,35,36, 37,38 LEARNING OBJECTIVES After reading this chapter, students should be able to: Describe general concerns regarding communicating about sex. List and describe five components of the communication process. Briefly describe cultural influences regarding the meaning and use of sexual words. Describe the use of sexual slang by each gender. List and describe five myths about communication. List and describe three common sexual games people play. List and describe six ground rules for effective communication. 8. List and describe nine ways to make effective communication happen. 9. Describe personality typologies and their relationships to communication. 10. Describe childhood and adult gender difference in communication. 11. Consider the generalized gender patterns of communication and their limitations. 12. Describe the effects of constructive and destructive quarreling. 13. List and describe three types of relationship impasses. 14. Describe both ineffective and effective ways to resolve impasses. 15. Describe the concept of a “shift to mutuality.” 16. Describe gender differences regarding communication. 17. List and describe six findings about qualities that make loving relationships. 18. Describe four risks of sex associated with the relational aspects of human interaction. 19. Describe three global transformations that affect relationships. 20. Describe evolutionary psychologists’ human emotion-motivation systems. 21. Describe the concept of being in love. 22. Describe predictable characteristics associated with romantic attraction. 23. List and describe the components of Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. 24. Briefly describe two pheromone-like chemicals found in the human body (one male, one female). 25. Briefly describe neurochemicals involved in the experience of attraction. 26. Describe similarities and differences between same-gender and opposite gender intimate relationships. 27. List and describe three factors that influence sexual intimacy. 28. Describe how perceptions about love can influence relationships. 29. List and describe three patterns of same-gender intimate relationships. 30. Describe concerns regarding gender and intimate friendship. 31. Briefly describe the nature of computer-mediated communication and computer mediated relating. 32. Describe findings and risks concerning computer-mediated communication and computer-mediated relating. 33. List and describe three styles of emotional bonding. 34. Describe positive and negative aspects of jealousy. 35. List and describe four ways of dealing with a jealous partner. 36. Describe why people need to be open to change in relationships. 37. Describe emotional and social responses to the termination of a relationship. CHAPTER OVERVIEW This chapter provides students with some practical information about maintaining healthy, effective relationships, whether or not they involve sexual interactions. It describes the communication process and how complex it may become, since both the sender and receiver have complicated interpretive systems through which any message is filtered. The chapter also introduces some typical gender differences relating to communication and perceptions of relationships, which does not mean, however, that every woman or man necessarily has the typical reactions or characteristic communication patterns. Naturally, we need to discourage the perpetuation of unfair male-female stereotypes, while recognizing that some generalizable differences seem to exist. Women are more likely than men to have loved their first sexual partners. Communication is the key to healthy sexual relationships. Any communicated message is filtered through the interpretive systems of both the sender and the receiver. There is a strong likelihood of misinterpretation and misunderstanding unless a feedback system is part of the process. Language, in particular the words we use to talk about sex, is strongly influenced by culture. In fact, sexual language changes appropriateness as determined largely by society. Among couples, sexual language changes again as determined by communication and negotiation between the pair. Communication can be hindered by the myths people believe and the sexual “games” they have learned to play out in relationships. Effective communication grows out of mutual commitment, shared understanding, mutual regard, avoidance of snap judgments, careful listening, empathy, genuineness, clear expression, viewing oneself positively, and appropriate confrontation. Males and females are taught different patterns for communicating as they grow up, and these differences show up in adult communication. Effective conflict resolution involves approaching the conflict as a couple, clear ownership of the problem, and the use of “I” messages to communicate about it. Research has elucidated some of the main characteristics that are correlated with lasting relationships, with one factor being nice behavior to one another outweighing negative behavior by a five-to-one ratio. Healthy sexual sharing in a relationship involves being comfortable with one’s own sexual needs, not confusing romance and sex, knowing how to risk vulnerability, having a clear sense of one’s own identity, and avoiding sexual coercion. Cross-cultural studies suggest that love attitudes and behaviors may be more affected by individual differences than by genetics or social imperatives. Infatuation, or “falling in love,” eventually ends; being in love involves a choice and commitment to the process of being together. The three primary human emotion-motivation systems associated with “love” are lust, attraction, and attachment. Sternberg’s theory holds that love is a dynamic interaction of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Pheromones are chemicals that give off odors that may act as subliminal attractants to potential sexual partners. Brain chemicals are related to the emotional experience of love following initial imprinting in earlier life: phenylethylamine (PEA), dopamine, and norepinephrine produce the high of attraction; endorphins produce the peacefulness of attachment; and oxytocin is associated with physical intimacy. Establishing intimacy in loving relationships happens through touch, relaxation, and being a participant. Sexual satisfaction is closely associated with the level of relationship satisfaction. Same-gender relationships do not necessarily follow the heterosexual model. Most gay men and lesbians want long-term close relationships, and there are three main patterns of relating: heterosexual model, age-disparate relationships, and friendship model. The Internet is providing a new medium for intimate and sometimes sexual relationships to develop. Although some of these relationships seem positive, this form of connection has associated risks. Three main styles of attachment to others have been identified: secure, preoccupied, and avoidant, the latter of which may be either dismissing or fearful. Although a degree of jealousy and possessiveness is expected in any loving relationship, these qualities may become destructive if they are rooted in serious insecurities. Loss of a loving relationship can be painful and often needs to be followed by a process of grieving. TEACHING SUGGESTIONS 1. Large/Small Group Activity A. Communication Breakdown Objective: To experience ineffective communication; then after analysis, practice elements that prove effective communication. Method: Prepare simple to complex drawings on individual index cards. Simple drawings might include geometric shapes in different combinations and patterns. More complex drawings might include scenes with multiple line figures and objects such as a house with a swing set and bushes underneath a sky with clouds and a sun. Use your imagination and consider the time allotted for this exercise to determine how complex your depictions should be. Students should each have a piece of paper and pen/pencil while they break into dyads. Dyads should sit back-to-back and agree to not look at each other. They need to determine who is the Listener and who is the Talker. Distribute one index card with a drawing to the Talker in the dyad. The Talker must convey through one-sided verbalizations the drawing so that the Listener can replicate it exactly on their paper. The Listener may not communicate with the Talker in any fashion. After Talker feels that he/she has communicated effectively, then they should face each other and compare the drawing on the index card to the replication the Listener drew. Process “what is effective communication?” with the large group. Identify factors that would have made the dyadic encounter more effective. Your discussion may include the following points: proximity and facial expression, use of language, feedback and point clarification, eye contact, cultural influences that effect verbals and non-verbals and external interference such as others talking loudly. Each dyad should change roles so that the Listener is now the Talker. Redistribute index cards and perform the exercise again…this time the Listener may ask questions but not view the drawing on the index card. Process the difference asking questions can make to the success of replicating the drawing from the index card. 2. Discussion Topics A) Describe some communication myths and ask the students to give an example of each one (for example, the role of silence in communication in a new relationship and an old one). B) Discuss some of the words used to talk about sex, and ask students to give examples of when they would use each one. Have students write down their gender and words males and females use for their sexual organs and the other gender’s organs; discuss the meaning of the different words used. C) Discuss the difference between romantic and long-term love after having the students write down their definition of the word love. Discuss the role of passion and sexual desire during the early stages of love, and accepting the other person’s faults and establishing personal space during long-term love. 3. Role-Plays A) Have students play the role of a couple with jealousy problems. Have a female play the jealous role, with the male being the accused. Have the couple discuss their feelings, and how they think the jealousy would influence a real relationship. Bring in the class to discuss what might be a cause of jealousy, and what solutions are possible in dealing with this problem. B) Have a couple role-play the breakup of a long-term relationship. Bring in the class and discuss the feelings that occur during a breakup, the healing process, and the processes necessary before the partners can emotionally reattach to new lovers. C) Have two females role-play the role of friends. One is dating a male who she has strong feelings for who is pressuring her for sex. Discuss factors in making the decisions of when to begin sex in a relationship, and ask the class for input. 4. Case Study A) Discuss Jennifer and Ted’s case study (in the main text). What could they do to make their relationship work? Will they probably break up in the future? Discuss the role of emotionality in relationships and gender differences that may produce difficulties B) Discuss the following case of Charlie and Albi. She is a Jehovah’s Witness, Puerto Rican, and does not have a college degree. He is nonreligious, from a Dutch background, and has a Ph.D. in psychology. They are married. How long would we expect this marriage to last? What factors might help keep it together for a long time? What are some areas they would never agree on? 5. Essays/Papers A) Describe some differences in the way males and females communicate. What type of communication problems can these differences produce? Bring in the concept of process vs. product and discuss. B) What is Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love? Describe a relationship that you have been in within the concepts of this theory. Relating to a relationship they have had, have the students draw the triangle on paper and discuss each aspect of it. C) What role do you think the Internet will play in relationships in the future? Include all aspects of relationships, including meeting, maintaining, and breaking up. Include the role of chat rooms, online meeting services, e-mail, and, of course, scanning photos and video. 6. Small/Large Group Activity A) Randomly pick two people from the class, one of each gender. Place them in seats in front of the class. Have the class ask them lots of questions about interests, personality, background, etc. Then discuss the probability of these two people working as a couple. 7. Evaluation A) Develop a few questions that test whether the students understood what you were trying to teach and have them write down the answers and turn it in to you. For example, what was the point of this exercise? What did you learn about it? After an in-class exercise, select students and ask them to tell you their interpretation of what just happened, and if they did not see the point, go over the exercise again. For example, say you have a role-play on jealousy. The target student sees only that jealousy is produced because someone has been suspected of cheating on their loved one without ever understanding the role insecurity and cross-cultural differences play in this matter. If this is the case, then try and revisit the topic via lecture or class discussion. NOTE: Evaluation works in two ways: Instructors need to constantly determine if students are learning what they are supposed to, and we also need constant self-evaluation to make sure that we are getting through and that our methods work. Tip: Have students e-mail you questions prior to a test day. The number and type of questions you receive are a good evaluation of how well you have communicated on any given unit. 8. SexSource Video Bank The SexSource video bank provides an excellent array of short videos that may serve as discussion starters. In order to elicit the best responses, it is advisable to pair students in groups of two for “pair sharing.” Give them the initial starter questions below, and then show the videos after some initial discussion. Instructors should preview videos for time and content. Additionally, you may want to download clips prior to class to ensure they are ready for viewing regardless of network connectivity. All video clips may be found at: http://www.mhhe.com/sexsource Communicating About Sex video clip – Ask paired students: Do you talk to your partner about what turns you on? What do you say during sex? How can communication improve one’s sex life? This video shows a young couple discussing their sex life and mutual masturbation. Their frank nature illustrates a mature and healthy relationship and may serve as a good discussion starter for communication in a sexual relationship. Waist-to-hip Ratio video clip – Ask paired students: Is there a certain shape you find appealing in your partner? Are the traits that men and women look for in a partner universal? How does this affect with whom we fall in love? This video provides detailed information on the waist-to-hip ratio and can help to facilitate a discussion on the biological versus psychological components of love. Mike on Dating, Sex, and the Bar Scene video clip – Ask paired students: Where do you go to find a date? How should you act when you are looking for a partner? Do we communicate differently when looking for a short-term partner than for a long-term partner? In this video Mike discusses his dating experience in bars. The video provides some insight into what others ‘try’ to display when seeking a partner. It can serve as a good discussion starter for effective communication in dating. GLOSSARY endorphins (en-DORE-fins): brain secretions that act as natural tranquilizers and pain relievers. oxytocin (ok-si-TOH-suhn): a chemical produced by the brain in response to physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction. pheromones (FAIR-oh-moans): human chemicals, the scent of which may cause an attraction or behavioral change in other individuals.

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