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This document contains Chapters 8 to 14 CHAPTER 8 LOVE Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 8, students should be able to: 1. Provide a basic description of the perspectives on love in Ancient Greece, Medieval Europe, 18th century England, and contemporary North America. 2. Know the three components of love identified by Sternberg (intimacy, passion, and commitment) and how these components combine to form eight different kinds of love. Know whether empirical evidence supports Sternberg’s model. 3. Discuss the theory that the biology of love fulfills an evolutionary imperative and how this idea supports Sternberg’s theory. 4. Describe the physiological, cognitive, and behavioral experience of passionate love, indicating whether it is an all-positive experience. Discuss the importance of dopamine. 5. Know about the interplay of love and thoughts including (a) the implications of Rubin’s Liking and Loving scales for how we think about friends versus lovers, (b) evidence that we hold rosy views of our romantic partners, (c) keeping focus on our preferred partner to the exclusion of others, and (d) how love alters our thoughts about ourselves. 6. Describe companionate love and differentiate it from compassionate love and romantic love. 7. Identify Lee’s six different styles of loving and discuss how they could incorporate into Sternberg’s model. 8. Indicate how romantic emotions change with age. Spell out gender similarities and differences in love. 9. Give evidence that love declines over time and specify three influences on love that may help explain this decline. Comment on people’s chances for long lasting love and suggest what they may do to increase those chances. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas Attitudes toward Love The textbook discusses how attitudes toward love have varied on four dimensions over time. Discuss individual opinions and cultural differences for each of these: 1) Is love a desirable or undesirable state? 2) Should love be sexual or nonsexual? 3) Should love involve same-sex or heterosexual partners? 4) Should we love our spouses, or is love reserved for others? Triangle of Love In Sternberg’s book The Triangle of Love, he provides scenarios of couples feeling each type of love in his theory. As a class activity, have small groups of students read these scenarios without their titles and ask the group to decide which type of love they think it describes. Discuss correct responses as a class. Alternatively, ask students, individually or in small groups, to write fictional accounts of couples displaying each type of love. Make copies of these, with titles removed, and see if other students can identify the type of love illustrated. Sternberg, R.J. (1988). The Triangle of Love. New York: Basic Books. Love Clips Use movie clips to illustrate each building blocks of the triangular theory of love. To illustrate commitment show the very first couple interview from the movie When Harry Met Sally. In this clip an older couple is shown. The man describes how when the woman he was going to marry walked into a cafeteria where he was eating, he announced to a friend he was going to marry her; without knowing anything about her, he made a commitment. To illustrate intimacy show a clip from the film Good Will Hunting. The clip appears about halfway through the film. Matt Damon’s character, Will, describes to his therapist, played by Robin Williams, a date he had. The therapist then talks about really knowing someone, having intimacy with them. To illustrate passion, without large elements of commitment or intimacy, show a clip from Notting Hill. Toward the beginning of the film Hugh Grant’s character offers his home as a place to change to a woman he’s just met, Anna Scott, played by Julia Roberts. They do not know each other well and do not plan to be in a relationship but as Anna leaves they share a passionate kiss. Lovestyles in Shrek Many lovestyles are illustrated in a clip from the film Shrek. After Shrek and Donkey enter the castle to find Princess Fiona, they split up to search. Shrek finds Fiona, and she illustrates a mania. She is very demanding of Shrek and what he is supposed to do for her. Donkey is captured by the dragon. The dragon illustrates an eros lovestyle. She is eager for an intense relationship; she strives for close contact. Donkey, on the other hand, illustrates more of a storge lovestyle, desiring a slowly developing attachment. Arranged Marriages View the episode on Arranged Marriages in the series Love Chronicles (produced by A&E) that addresses cultural differences and romantic love as the basis of marriage. After viewing the video in class, discuss beliefs concerning the need for romantic love at the start of a marriage. This compelling 50-minute video can provide the foundation of an animated class discussion. The Love Chronicles series (and individual videos from it) is available to purchase over the web. If you would rather introduce this idea with a shorter segment, National Public Radio did a three-part series on arranged marriages for Muslims on October, 14, 15, and 16, 2008. Visit to hear these segments. Arranged Marriage If someone you know has had an arranged marriage, ask that person to come to class and talk about the process. How did his/her parents choose the mate? Did the couple meet before getting engaged? How much contact did they have before the wedding? If your visitor is comfortable you could also ask about how the transition to married life went for his/her and the spouse. Did they have a difficult adjusting to one another? Do they view themselves as being in love? How did feelings of affection change over time? Long Lasting Love If you know of an older couple that would be comfortable discussing their relationship, invite them to class. Students could develop questions about love from the chapter or you might ask the couple to describe how their relationship changed from the time they got married to their most recent anniversary. Do they show the pattern in the book of declining love over marriage? Did their passion decrease but their companionate love increase? How did they maintain their relationship for so long? What advice would they give college students? Theory of Love Having read the chapter and investigated a number of theories about love, ask students to develop their own theory of love. What elements of the various theories should be retained? How could they be combined? How do issues such as gender, age, marriage, trust, commitment, romance, passion, and sex fit within this theory? Hollywood Love The number of movies with love as a theme is large. You could use this to your advantage by asking students to find video clips on different aspects of the chapter. For example, ask small groups of students to find video clips of different aspects of Sternberg’s theory of love. Alternatively, ask students to watch a specific movie (e.g., Say Anything, Pretty Woman, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Bridesmaids, Twilight) and write a short paper discussing one or more theories presented in the chapter that are illustrated in the film. The Science of Love View and discuss the video series The Science of Love, narrated by relationship researcher Art Aron, which describes and reenacts studies that examine the link between arousal and attraction. The video addresses other relational topics within the context of research studies as the series follows the life cycle of relationships. Clips of the series may be available on YouTube. For Your Consideration Ask students to discuss in small groups the story provided in the last section of the chapter, For Your Consideration. What might the future of Daniel and Cathrine’s relationship be? What concepts or theories can you apply to their actions? Assignments/Student Projects Unrequited Love For additional exploration of the topic of unrequited love, ask students to revisit the box A Type of Love You Probably Don’t Want to Experience: Unrequited Love. Have students consider whether or not they have experienced such a relationship, either as the target or the one feeling unrequited love? What does the article mean by the statement, “unrequited love has its rewards”? Are the issues with unrequited love described in the textbook similar to those experienced in this situation? Why or why not? Excitation Transfer Replication To further consider the link between arousal and attraction and encourage an understanding of research methodology, ask students to design a study that replicates Dutton and Aron’s (1974) study on your campus. Students should identify locations that would simulate the key characteristics of those in the study and provide clear operational definitions of the variables. Alternatively, students could devise a laboratory equivalent the study. Compassionate Love Have students complete the Compassionate Love Acts Diary in Table 8.7 and discuss how they could show more compassionate love toward their partners. As a class, consider the ways in which compassionate love may enhance a relationship and ask students to share how important it is to them. What are some other ways in which they show compassion to their significant others? Love Advice Now that the students know more about love, ask them to put together a brochure sharing this information with other college students. They should include the material they think would be helpful to other students in promoting healthy romantic relationships, particularly long-term relationships. Another approach to providing advice is to ask students to collect questions other students might have about love (advice column style). The class as a whole, small groups, or individual students could put together answers to these questions. This assignment could be a semester long project or just focus on this chapter. CHAPTER 9 SEXUALITY Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 9, students should be able to: 1. Report on attitudes toward casual sex and how they vary between men and women. 2. Report trends in attitudes toward same-sex sexuality and reasons to believe that acceptance is ever increasing. 3. Specify the average age of first intercourse among American youth, indicating the trend in the virginity rate. 4. Spell out how gender, relationship status, age, and sexual orientation influence how often committed partners desire and actually have sex. 5. Indicate how gender, sexual orientation, sociosexuality, relationship quality, and equity predict the likelihood of sexual infidelity. Discuss hookups. Specify how specific attitudes towards condoms, alcohol, illusions of invulnerability, and general attitudes toward sex influence the use of condoms. 7. Indicate how the frequency of sex is associated with sexual and relational satisfaction. 8. Identify the patterns, including gender differences, that can be found in communicating sexual desire, agreeing to sexual initiations, and discussing specific sexual issues. Cite evidence that clear communication is linked with sexual satisfaction. Indicate gender differences in the perception of possible sexual situations. Differentiate between the various forms of sexual coercion. Discuss the role of communication in sexual aggression. Class Activities/ Discussion Ideas Attitudes over Time Attitudes about sex have become more permissive over time. In small groups, ask students to explore influences on this change. After the group discussion, have students evaluate their own behaviors with respect to their attitudes. Finally, as a class, discuss where their attitudes and behaviors may change in the future. How might the next generation or the generation after that feel and act? Use the idea of homosexuality and gay marriage as one example. Ideas are changing over time as most people accept same-sex relationships today than 20 years ago. Men, Women, and Sex Discuss, in class, the idea, “Women give sex for love and men give love for sex.” What are your comments about this idea? Brainstorm the concept with respect to human behavior over time, culture, necessity, roles, and life span. Risky Behaviors Ask students, with their classmates, to compose a list of attitudes and behaviors that could put them at risk for unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. After they have compiled the list, have the groups discuss whether these factors would/will affect their sexual behavior. Why or why not? Lost Children of Rockdale County The PBS Fronline report The Lost Children of Rockdale County describes a syphilis outbreak in an upper class community near Atlanta, Georgia. A group of teens in that area were engaging in very risky behaviors. Local public health officials were alerted when a number of them contracted syphilis and other sexually transmitted infections. A teacher’s guide is available on Frontline’s website and copies of the tape can also be ordered there. Local Sexual Education Contact the sexual educator at your local school and ask him or her to talk to your class about his or her job. Ask questions such as: Why did you choose this job? What do you see as your role in the lives of the children/teens you teach? What kind of lessons seem most effective? What kind of questions are most common? Are the national norms for sex for the first time similar to this area or different? If they are different, why might they be different? Dating Goals and Risky Sexual Behaviors If you would like to expand on the textbook discussion of risky sexual behaviors, you could talk about the work of Sanderson and Cantor (1995). They found a connection between the goals adolescents have in dating and the effectiveness of different kinds of education about sexual activity. Adolescents whose goals were primarily identity based (they were using their dating relationships to learn about themselves) benefited more from safer sex interventions focusing on technical skills. For adolescents with intimacy goals (goals related to open communication and mutual dependence with a partner) safer sex interventions focusing on interpersonal communication skills were more effective. Sanderson, C.A. & Cantor, N. (1995). Social dating goals in late adolescence: Implications for safer sexual activity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 1121–1134. Hooking Up A resource for more information on the sexual experiences of college students is Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen A. Bogle. Use information from this book yourself or ask students to read a portion of it and respond. Bogle, K.A. (2008). Hooking up: Sex, dating, and relationships on campus. New York: New York University Press. College Sexual Consent Policies Some colleges and universities (e.g., Antioch College) have instituted a sexual consent policy that requires explicit agreement between the partners before each sexual contact. Antioch College’s thorough policy can be viewed at For Antioch’s policy or for the policy on your campus, ask students to consider, in small group discussions, what motivations were behind such a policy and whether the policy will accomplish its intended goals. If groups find such policies inadequate, have them suggest what would improve the policies. Do they think something like this could work at every college? Why or why not? Same-Sex Relationships in the Movies View a movie that portrays same-sex relationships in class and hold a class discussion on the way the movie and media in general depict gay and lesbian communities. Reflect on the nature of the stereotypes maintained or broken by the film, referring to data presented in the chapter. Movie suggestions: Boys Don’t Cry, Brokeback Mountain, The Birdcage, Milk, Philadelphia, Transamerica. Campus Resources If you have a sexual harassment and rape prevention organization or rape counselors on your campus, ask the director or a representative from that program to visit class. Discuss with the class what efforts are at work on your campus to address issues related to sexual coercion. For Your Consideration In small groups, discuss the scenario provided at the end of the chapter involving Chad and Jennifer. What will happen with their relationship? How do concepts presented in the chapter help us understand their experience? Assignments/Student Projects My Experiences As a way of introducing the chapter, have students reflect on a number of sex/sexuality related aspects of their lives by answering the following questions:
1) When I was little, my parents dressed me…
2) My toys included…
3) I recall being curious about the opposite sex when I was ___years old
4) My parents’ attitudes about masturbating was…
5) Nudity in my family was…
6) My sex education included…
7) My first sexual experience was…
8) My attitude about my parents having sex is…
9) Older adults having sex is…
10) Sex is…
How did you arrive at these conclusions? Do you think that your answers are similar or different from your friends, siblings, parents, and grandparents? Sexual Orientation To further explore attitudes about sexual orientation, ask students to consider: What do you know about sexual orientation? What are your attitudes about gays and lesbians? Then have each student pair up with another student in class and make a trip to the college library or explore library databases online. Find and read the latest studies on the nature versus nurture issue about same-sex sexuality. Students should then reflect on how this information affects attitudes about gays and lesbians and how their attitudes may affect their acceptance of the information they researched. Advertising Campus Resources If you would like to do a class service project as a class, investigate the resources for survivors of sexual assault and prevention efforts on your campus and in your local community. Develop an informational brochure or posters or a campus radio advertisement to let the campus community know about these resources. CHAPTER 10 STRESSES AND STRAINS Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 10, students should be able to: 1. Identify the seven degrees of acceptance and rejection and what might affect our reactions to experiences of acceptance or rejection. 2. Describe the effect of acceptance and rejection, including relational value. 3. Explain what ostracism is, why it may be used, and why it is painful for the target. Describe the reactions of individuals who are ostracized. 4. Define jealousy and describe the two types of jealousy. Explain who is most prone to jealousy and who and what gets us jealous. Describe the evolutionary account of jealousy. 5. Describe our responses to jealousy and how these may differ depending on attachment style and gender or sex. Describe how to cope constructively with jealousy. 6. Define deception and describe different forms of deception (e.g. lying, concealing information, and so on). 7. Describe how lying operates in everyday life. Explain how we can detect when someone is lying and how lying operates in our relationships. 8. Define betrayal and describe how and why it happens. 9. Identify who is most likely to betray their partners and the problems associated with revenge seeking. 10. Define forgiveness and describe when forgiveness is most likely to occur. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas The Killer at Thurston High As an illustration of what can happen when people are excluded, rejected, or ostracized, show a clip from the Frontline documentary The Killer at Thurston High. This documentary describes the school shooting perpetrated by Kip Kinkel, who killed his parents, two classmates, and injured 25 others in a school shooting. O Train For a wonderful, interactive ostracism activity, ask students to board the “O” train. This teaching activity was designed by Lisa Zadro and Kipling Williams. In this activity, students ride a simulated train, sitting in rows of three. Students sitting on the outside seats of each row are instructed (unbeknownst to the student in the middle seat) to ignore the person sitting in the middle seat. Reactions of the ostracized students are sadness, anger, and confusion. For further information and copies of the tickets giving instructions to students see Swinging and Jealousy If jealousy is often triggered by real or imagined infidelity, how does jealousy work for couples who agree to be mutually involved in extra-dyadic sex, swingers? In a study by deVisser and McDonald (2007), they explored how couples engaging in swinging manage and limit their jealousy. In general, they found that strict rules and boundaries for these couples helped them manage their jealousy. The couples interviewed emphasized emotional fidelity to their partner. Some swingers used jealousy to heighten their excitement while others said jealousy was not quite accurate to describe the emotions they sometimes felt in thinking about their partner with someone else. deVisser, R. & McDonald, D. (2007). Swings and roundabouts: Management of jealousy in heterosexual “swinging” couples. British Journal of Social Psychology, 46, 459–476. Tell a Lie To investigate students’ accuracy at identifying lies and skills at lying, ask each student to come up with two facts about themselves and make up one lie about themselves. These should be short (e.g., I once swam with the dolphins in Florida). Each student should tell each other student all three things, always in the same order. As an evaluator, each student should write down which facts they believed to be true and which was a lie. When each student has told their lies to every other student, have each reveal what were truths and what were lies. Discuss how accurate students were at lie detection and how good they were at telling lies. The Lying Game View and discuss Bella DePaulo’s work as it was presented in the first part of a two-part production titled The Lying Game (each episode is approximately 50 minutes) that was aired on TLC. The first episode (Telling Lies) includes about 15 minutes worth of DePaulo’s research and observations about lying. There is also an excellent 15-minute segment in the first episode on the research by Carrie Keating (lying and leadership) and a 10-minute segment on lying and the theory of mind in children. Although the work of Paul Ekman is included in the first and second episode (Detecting Lies), the unreliability of polygraphs and brain fingerprinting appears only in the second episode. The four-part BBC production Faces also includes a valuable section on lying and lie detection that features the work of Paul Ekman. Betrayal Scale Have each student complete The Interpersonal Betrayal Scale (Table 10.2). In small groups, ask student to discuss their score on this scale and why they believe it is accurate or inaccurate. Students should also discuss what we may mean when we say that there are two sides to every betrayal. For Your Consideration Remind students of the content of the For Your Consideration section. In small groups, ask them to consider: What might the future of Paul and Ann’s relationship be? How do Paul and Ann illustrate deception, lying, jealousy, and betrayal? How might they move beyond these problems? Assignments/Student Projects Cyberball Download a version of William’s cyberball from his web page. You could show this in class so students can see what it looks like, ask students to play cyberball and feel the kind of ostracism participants in William’s studies felt, or have students design their own studies using the program. A list of articles on ostracism is available on a link to the site as well as a teaching and learning guide for ostracism (which includes brief versions of cyberball including and excluding the participant). The Perils of Facebook Ask students to consider for themselves and discuss with family and friends how often they feel jealousy when viewing Facebook. What particular situations caused jealousy? How did they react? Have students bring their findings to class and discuss these effects of Facebook on their relationships. Discuss some healthy ways to respond to these issues. Defining Trust Ask students to complete the following assignment: Define trust. Then, ask six people how they define trust and in what situation or relationship they trust others. When is someone most likely to experience mistrust? In what situation or relationship do you feel that you can be trusted? Is there a virtue in trusting? As a child, how did you learn about this concept of trust? When you complete this exercise, define trust again. Lying Journal Ask students to keep a journal identifying each time, over a certain period of time, they told a lie. Assign them to write a short paper comparing the work of Bella DePaulo to results from the journal activity. The complexity of the coding in the journal can be modified depending on the goals of the assignment. For example, on the low end, students could simply record the number and type of lies they tell daily. On the high end, as a class, you could devise an elaborate coding system charting the frequency and content of the lies as well as characteristics of the person lied to and the situations in which the lies occurred. DePaulo’s Deception Research If you would like to encourage students to read primary source literature, ask them to visit Bella DePaulo’s website, chose one of the papers summarized there, and find a copy of that article/chapter. They should then write a report on that research: What did they learn about deception from this paper? How might this apply to other settings? Lying Songs Have students, in small groups or individually, ask several people outside of class which current popular songs deal with lying, jealousy, or betrayal (or older songs if no current songs come to mind). For each song students should look up the lyrics and consider what aspects of lying, jealousy, or betrayal the song’s lyrics address, referring to material presented in the text. Instructors can divide students into groups and have each group focus on only one topic. An example to get them started is Lies by Elton John that reflects the frequency and breadth of our lies both inside and outside of intimate relationships. Lyrics are available through multiple sources, including some websites. Jealousy in Indecent Proposal Ask students to watch the movie Indecent Proposal and in a short paper or essay discuss how well Hollywood represents jealousy in Woody Harrelson’s character (David). Using specific examples, which aspects are accurately presented and which are missing? Which additional themes in the chapter are represented in the film (e.g., betrayal, forgiveness)? Specific examples from the movie should be used. CHAPTER 11 CONFLICT Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 11, students should be able to: 1. Explain why conflict in close relationships is inevitable. 2. Define dialectics and give examples of the opposing nature of these motivations in relationships. Understand how the strength of these motivations varies between people and, over time, within the same person. Describe how one’s desires interact with the desires of his or her partner. 3. Identify the frequency with which couples enter into conflict and note some individual differences that relate to conflict in dating and married couples. 4. Delineate the four common categories of conflict (criticisms, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances) and what evolutionary psychologists see as underlying some of the conflict. Highlight how the precipitating events leading to conflict vary as a function of different types of relationships (e.g., dating versus married, heterosexual versus same-sex). 5. Describe how actor-observer effects and self-serving biases lead to attributional conflict. Specify how the causal and responsibility attributions of happily versus unhappily married couples differ. 6. Explain the demand/withdraw pattern and its impact on marital satisfaction. Clarify the role of gender and power differences in the demand/withdraw pattern. 7. Indicate where each of Rusbult’s four responses to dissatisfaction (exit, voice, loyalty, and neglect) falls along the active-passive and constructive-destructive dimensions. Identify which individual differences are related to different styles of responding. 8. Depict four kinds of couples (volatiles, validators, avoiders, and hostiles). Describe how each acts during conflict and each type’s level of marital satisfaction. Explain why it is good to match your partner with regard to conflict style. 9. Identify five ways of terminating conflict, going from the most destructive to the most constructive. Present the case that avoiding conflict can be detrimental to relationships, citing relevant evidence. Describe some of the positive outcomes of confrontation that one should seek so that fighting increases intimacy. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas Can Conflict be Advantageous? Before the students read the chapter, as a class, discuss the question posed at the beginning of the chapter: Can conflict be advantageous? List the pros and cons and take a class vote on the issue. Revisit this question at the end of the chapter. Have students changed their minds? Identifying Dialectics For each of the dialectics described at the beginning of the chapter, have students write a short fictional account of how a couple may experience a tension surrounding that dialectic. Collect these stories and redistribute them to other groups, with the title of each dialectic removed. See if the groups can identify the dialectics their classmates intended to portray. Four Categories of Conflict To help students learn the four common categories of events that instigate conflicts, have students in small groups come up with a short skit to portray each and perform this for the class. The Human Face The work of John Gottman is represented in the first of a four-part BBC Production called The Human Face. The section involves a distressed couple that is flown to his lab and involves the coding and decoding of facial expressions. The segment is near the beginning of the first installment of the collection and runs for about 10 minutes, showing the couple at home and in the lab. The Farmer’s Wife A number of concepts related to conflict are illustrated in the Frontline documentary The Farmer’s Wife. This three-part series follows a Nebraska farm family for three years though the near loss of their farm. Part of the documentary can be seen on-line at Couple Conflict Style In small groups, have students review the Box Assessing Your Couple Conflict Type. Discuss the usefulness of classifying couples into four types. How might couples that know their conflict style use this information to make their relationships better? How might a counselor use this information? Reflect on the 5:1 ratio in the context of these four conflict types. Speaker-Listener Technique To illustrate the speaker-listener technique, ask two volunteers to take on roles of spouses dealing with conflict. The “couple” should identify something as the floor, choose who will speak first, and go through the process of describing an issue using I statements, having the listener paraphrase, and sharing the floor (each should be allowed to have the floor at least once). If the class notices a violation of the rules of the speaker-listener technique, they should alert the couple to their error. For Your Consideration Ask students to reread the For Your Consideration scenario at the end of the chapter. In small groups they should discuss the issues evident in this scenario. What will happen to John and Tina’s relationship in the future? How might they resolve their conflict? Discuss answers as a full class, applying material from the chapter to the scenario. Assignments/Student Projects Dialectics in Relationships Ask each student to interview a couple (or several couples) to find out how dialectics play out in real relationships. It may be helpful to develop interview questions that get at these dialectics in class before students do their interviews. Students can write a report on their interview(s) and also reflect on which dialectic seemed most common or troublesome for this/these couple(s). Conflict in Song Have students, individually or in small groups, ask several people outside of class which current popular songs deal with divorce or conflict in relationships (or in older songs if they cannot think of any current ones). Find the song lyrics and, in a written report, consider what aspects of conflict the song lyrics address, referring to material presented in the text. Are there any common themes across the songs? If any of the aspects of conflict are not represented, have students reflect on the reasons why they might be missing. Are the attitudes expressed in the lyrics about what you expected for a song released at that time? Instructors may consider playing A Little Bit of Abuse by the Kinks (on the album Give the People What They Want) as an example that portrays many aspects of abusive relationships. Web Advice Assign students to look at advice for couples in conflict on one or two websites. They should summarize the advice and decide, based on the textbook reading, whether that advice is a legitimate way of dealing with conflict. This assignment could also be completed looking at self-help books for their advice on conflict. CHAPTER 12 POWER AND VIOLENCE Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 12, students should be able to: 1. Describe what social power is. Explain the principle of lesser interest in the context of power in relationships using interdependency theory. Discuss the interplay between perceived CLalts, dependency, and power. 2. Differentiate between fate control and behavior control and explain the mutual influence partners have on one another. Describe the six general resources used as the bases of power (reward, coercive, legitimate, referent, expert, and informational). 3. Explain how culture affects the power of men and women in heterosexual relationships. 4. Discuss how people express power through language and nonverbal behavior. Indicate how speaking in a powerful manner influences the judgments made by listeners about the speaker and understand how listeners incorporate gender into the analysis as needed. 5. Comment on the advantages and disadvantages of the research findings that suggest women are more accurate judges of the emotions and nonverbal behavior than men. 6. Explain the styles of power and how and when they might be used. 7. Describe the research on marital equality. 8. Describe the positive and negative facets of power. 9. Describe the prevalence of relationship violence in the United States. 10. Identify the three major types of violence in romantic couples and where those types tend to originate. 11. Explain the gender differences in intimate violence. 12. Contrast the correlates of situational couple violence with intimate terrorism. 13. Describe how perpetrators of violence and victims of violence describe their own and their partners’ actions. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas Sex Ratio and Power In small groups, have students consider the role alternatives play with regard to power and whether men or women have more power on your campus. Bring statistics about the sex ratio on your campus and discuss with the students whether this changes the interplay of gender and power on your campus. Bases of Power The textbook describes six bases of power: reward power, coercion power, legitimate power, referent power, expert power, and informational power. To help students differentiate between these ask them to develop examples of each in small groups and then share these with the class. Gender and Control of Resources To show some of the differences in control of resources of men and women, visit the U.S. Census Bureau website ( to explore the occupational and education attainment of women. The Institute for Women’s Policy Research also provides a report on the gender wage gap ( Power in Verbal and Nonverbal Behavior Discuss what constitutes power in the use of verbal and nonverbal behavior. Form small groups and have students take turns using high or low power verbal and nonverbal behavior in short role plays. Discuss how using one or the other behavior patterns made you feel. Reflect on the typical communication pattern of men and women in this context. Local Resources If you have not yet invited individuals from your local sexual harassment and rape prevention organization or rape counseling organization to visit your class (as suggested in Chapter 9), this chapter presents another opportunity. Another option would be to ask someone from a battered women’s shelter or other organization that helps intimate violence victims to come and talk to the class. Law Enforcement If you would like to talk about the legal implications of intimate violence and stalking, invite a local police officer or a prosecutor to class to talk about their jobs and their experiences. Ask them about their role in dealing with victims, the resources they have to help victims, and the resources that would be helpful to them to do their jobs better. Violence and Relationship Aspirations Discuss, in small groups, violence and abuse in couples. How do the statistics about violence in relationships affect your aspirations to be part of a couple? What signs might you look for to identify potentially violent partners? What might be some explanations as to why some victims of abuse leave the relationship and some do not? What Constitutes Stalking? Ask students to revisit the box on stalking and consider, in small groups, the range of behaviors that constitute unwanted intrusions into our lives. Does Googling an ex-partner’s name on the Internet constitute stalking? Is this a benign activity or something more menacing? What about sending unwanted e-mails or text messages? How else has technology been used to intrude into the lives of others? No Safe Place Show the film No Safe Place and discuss what it depicts. The film includes interviews with feminist writers, a biological anthropologist, and a professor of American studies as well as interviews with the perpetrators of intimate violence. Lumo If you would like to provide an international perspective on violence against women show the film Lumo. It follows a young woman, Lumo, who was gang-raped by a group of soldiers vying for control of a piece of the eastern Congo where Lumo is from. She was rejected by her fiancé and most of her family and village because of the rape and the results of it, a fistula (condition making women incontinent and unable to bear children). She visited a hospital to have surgery and found a community of women dealing with the same issue because of an epidemic rape and lack of access to obstetric/gynecological care. The film is both heartbreaking and inspiring (bring tissues). It can be purchased from For Your Consideration Form small groups and discuss the scenario provided in the For Your Consideration section. Based upon your reading of this chapter, what does the future hold for this couple? Report your group’s assessment to the full class citing specific concepts or research that supports your positions. Assignments/Student Projects Negotiating Preferences In intimate relationships, we sometimes have different preferences than our partners (friends). When differences emerge, it is common for each person to have his or her own point of view, so each sees the situation according to his or her preference. Discuss the following situation with your partner (friend), trying to influence him or her to accept your position. Record your final decision. You and your partner (friend) like going to movies. You have made plans to go to a film this Friday evening. The last time you went to a movie together, you compromised on an artsy foreign film at the local cinema. It wasn’t your favorite, but your partner (friend) enjoyed it. A new action movie is opening this weekend. You know your partner (friend) isn’t crazy about that kind of movie, but this movie features one of your favorite stars. This week you’ve had to concentrate to take care of a lot of time-consuming yet boring details. You feel a couple of hours of action-packed excitement are just the thing to restore your equilibrium. The movie starts at 7:00 PM, so afterwards you’ll be able to go for dessert. The film is even playing at a theater with free parking near a place that serves great desserts. Perfect! ● Decision: Action, special effects film: ____
Romantic comedy: ____ ● What did you do to influence your partner (friend)? What did your partner (friend) do to influence you? Sleeping with the Enemy Ask students to watch the movie Sleeping With the Enemy and then in a short paper or essay discuss how well Hollywood represents violence with the main characters (Laura, Martin). Using specific examples, which aspects are accurately presented and which are missing for each character in the movie? How typical is the outcome of this film given the research presented in the text? Could you suggest another ending based on your reading? Volunteering to Fight Domestic Violence As a service learning project ask students to volunteer some of their time at a local women’s shelter or other organization that helps women who are victims of domestic violence. CHAPTER 13 THE DISSOLUTION AND LOSS OF RELATIONSHIPS Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 13, students should be able to: 1. Compare the contemporary U.S. marital divorce rate with the rate in earlier decades, contemporary divorce rates in other countries, and dissolution rates for other types of relationships. Discuss how unrealistic expectations placed on marriage might be associated with the change in divorce rate. 2. Explain how the increased number of women in the work force might relate to increased divorce rates during this century. 3. Understand the potential impact of cultural changes on divorce rates (e.g., individualism and mobility, sex ratios, divorce laws, and cohabitation). 4. Identify the three key aspects of Levinger’s model of divorce highlighting the role that real and perceived barriers might have on divorce. 5. Depict the Karney and Bradbury’s model of marriage instability with special attention to the interplay between the enduring vulnerabilities people bring to relationships and the stresses they are likely to experience over the course of a relationship. 6. Name the three possible explanations for the disquieting results on marital satisfaction and divorce reported in the PAIR Project. Identify the two explanations that best fit the data. Explain how the results of the EYM Project differ from those reported by the PAIR Project. Note any special methodological issues researchers face when studying divorce. 7. Appreciate how we underestimate the broader environmental and cultural influences that may undermine or promote our intimate relationships. 8. Describe the script involved in ending close relationships noting commonalities across different types of relationships. Identify how the manner in which a long term relationships are dissolved affects the mental and physical health of the couple. 9. Characterize breakups in terms of personal adjustment, social networks, performing tasks of daily living, finances, and relationships between former partners. 10. Identify which of the following factors is most detrimental to the short-term and long- term well-being of children: parental loss, parental stress, economic hardship, and parental conflict. Explain how this factor affects children in both intact and dissolved marriages. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas Divorce or Destroy Begin this section of the course by playing the song Divorce or Destroy by Hank Williams, Jr. This song depicts the lengthy time during which couples consider divorce before initiating the formal procedures. Divorce Rates The rate of divorce peaked during the 1980s. In small groups, discuss reasons why couples divorce, how the rate is different in different cohorts, and the plateau of the divorce rate. Statistics provided by the National Center for Health Statistics may be helpful in this discussion. Marriage and divorce statistics can be found at Dissolution of Different Types of Relationships Divide the class into four groups and ask each group to look into the dissolution of one type of relationships: married couples, cohabitating hetereosexual couples, gay couples, and lesbian couples. After each group explores the dissolution rates for their type of relationship (see the table on Separation Rates in Different Types of Relationships on page 396) have them present these to the rest of the class and compare and contrast these rates. Rules of Relationships The box Rules of Relationships provides a number of rules of relationships developed by college students. As a class, discuss whether these are adequate or whether more are needed. Why might these particular rules be mentioned most frequently? Divorce Law To address the legal complexities surrounding the dissolution of marriages, invite a divorce lawyer to class. Ask questions such as: What attracted you to divorce law? What are the characteristics of most of your clients (e.g. length of marriage, presence of children)? What is your initial advice to clients? Do any couples ever decide not to divorce after seeking council? What are some legal ramifications of divorce? Any relationship advice for college students? Waiting Periods for Divorce Some states require a waiting period before granting a divorce. As a class, discuss what you think the lawmakers’ motivations were for creating such a law. Do students think that waiting periods might be effective? How might lawmakers encourage long-term marriage? Remarriage In the series Love Chronicles (produced by A&E), the episode The Marrying Kind addresses remarrying former spouses and can provide the basis of an animated class discussion on remarriage. Comment on couples presented in the video. Some couples divorced and remarried not just once, but have gone through this cycle over and over again with the same partner. The episode is 50 minutes long, but it is segmented into about five 10-minute segments instructors can present individually. This series is available to purchase over the Web. Farmer’s Wife Reprise If you watched some or all of the Farmer’s Wife, as suggested for Chapter 11, talk about the final outcome for this couple. At the end of the documentary, they were together and seemed to have made it through the worst of the problems they would face. The documentary website reports that they later divorced and both remarried. What are student responses to this? Did they expect the couple would stay together? Were there signs of a coming dissolution in the film? Although quite dated (originally aired on February 25, 1986), Frontline’s film Divorce Wars provides a good profile of those involved in a divorce if you can get a hold of a copy. Let’s Get Married In Chapter 2, the documentary Let’s Get Married was suggested as an example of a government policy promoting relationships when the research about the effect may be different. The report introduces a number of issues related to dissolution of relationships as well as forming them and may therefore also be applicable to this chapter. Divorce Panel If you know several individuals who have divorced and would be willing to talk openly about the experience, invite them to class to share. Ask question such as: How would you explain why you divorced? What was that process like? If you have children, how did they adjust to the divorce? How did you go about making custody decisions? How did the process of adjusting to your post-divorce state go? What is your present relationship with your ex-spouse like? If you had to do it all over again, what might you do in a similar way and what might you do differently? For Your Consideration Form small groups, and discuss the scenario with Bobby and Connie presented at the end of the chapter (For Your Consideration). Based upon your reading of this chapter, what should Connie do and what does the couple’s future hold? Report your group’s assessment to the full class, citing specific concepts or research that supports your positions. Assignments/Student Projects Rules of Relationships Survey As described in the box Rules of Relationships, Leslie Baxter asked students to write about the ending of a premarital romantic relationship. Ask your students to replicate this study by asking three or four volunteers to describe an ending to a relationship and then have the student decide what theme that might best fit with (or if a new theme needs to be introduced). If you think this kind of activity may be too intrusive to the participant’s lives, have your students ask their peers about relationship rules directly. Students should then categorize these rules into appropriate themes or create a new theme to accommodate a rule. Kramer vs. Kramer Ask students to watch the movie Kramer vs. Kramer, and, in a short paper or essay, discuss how well Hollywood represents divorce for each main character (Ted, Joanna, and their six-year-old son, Billy). Using specific examples, which aspects are accurately presented and which are missing for each character? This film won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1979 (along with four other Academy Awards). Given the changing norms of American culture and divorce, what aspects of the film would a filmmaker need to change to remake this film to reflect current norms? Again, use specific examples from the movie and the text. What are the recent movies or television programs that tackle the idea of divorce. Use both dramatic and comedic examples. Children of Divorce If you would like students to further explore the impact of divorce on children, provide them with access to books that give advice to parents and those who work with them and ask students to summarize or evaluate the advice that is provided. For example: Bernet, W. & Ash, D.R. (2007). Children of divorce: A practical guide for parents, therapists, attorneys and judges, 2nd ed. Malabar, FL: Kriegr Publishing Company. CHAPTER 14 MAINTAINING AND REPAIRING RELATIONSHIPS Learning Objectives At the conclusion of Chapter 14, students should be able to: 1. Summarize the key points from the previous chapters that might lead us to be gloomy or optimistic about the chances that our intimate relationships will be successful and satisfying. 2. Describe relational maintenance mechanisms (cognitive and behavioral) and explain how they follow from commitment. Identify the three relational maintenance strategies that are the best predictors of how happy a marriage will be from the list of eight provided by Canary and his colleagues. Understand that we need to use these strategies frequently. 3. Enumerate the reasons why we should be leery of mass marketed self-help books and other self-help media. 4. Identify why preventive maintenance (premarital counseling) appear to be a good idea. Describe the PREP program and which techniques from previous chapters are employed. 5. Provide a brief profile of the behavioral approach (i.e., BCT) to couples therapy and explain how quid pro quo and good faith contracts work using a unique example. Distinguish cognitive-behavioral couple therapy (i.e., CBCT) from BCT and highlight the cognitions that lead to conflict discussed in previous chapters (e.g., attributions). Explain how integrative behavioral couple therapy (i.e., IBCT) differs from the BCT and CBCT. 6. Describe emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and identify its similarities and differences with integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT). Specify how characteristics of attachment theory are represented in this therapeutic approach. 7. Present insight-oriented couples therapy (IOCT) and discuss the key role affective reconstruction plays in this approach. 8. Summarize the common features that cut across each type of martial therapy. Comment on the success of therapy for helping couples repair relationships and whether one therapy is superior to another. Class Activities/Discussion Ideas Therapeutic Approaches Divide the class into five groups. Assign each group a particular therapeutic approach: the behavioral approaches (e.g., BCT, CBCT, and IBCT); the emotionally focused therapy (EFT); and the insight-oriented therapy (IOCT). Each group should describe and represent one of the approaches. Groups should develop a treatment for a relationship problem (provide all groups a similar problem such as a disagreement about division of household work). Each group should present their treatment plans to the class in the form of a larger group discussion. As a class, assess the adequacy of each therapeutic approach for addressing the problem. Marital Therapy Requirement Some states require couples to enter into martial therapy for as much as a year before granting a divorce. Discuss with the class: What do you think motivated lawmakers to create such a law? Given what you have read in this chapter regarding maintaining and repairing relationships, will this law have its desired effect? Consider the impact the law might have on an individual couple as well as on broader societal issues. Marital Therapist Invite a marriage counselor or someone who does premarital counseling (pastor, rabbi) to class. Ask them: What attracted you to this area? What training did you receive? What kinds of problems do your clients tend to come to therapy to talk about or what kind of issues do you find in those with whom you do premarital counseling? What approach do you take to counseling? What is the end result for most couples? Relationships on Dr. Phil Record and show an episode of Dr. Phil (or find a clip on YouTube) dealing with relationship maintenance. As a class, discuss how valid his advice was to the couple or couples shown. Also discuss why the couple might have agreed to be on the show and why the producers might have picked this particular couple (or group of couples). For Your Consideration Remind students of the For Your Consideration scenario at the end of this chapter. In small groups ask students to discuss what the future of Leslie’s relationship might be. Will her visit to a therapist help? Will she and her husband stay together? Will their relationship thrive? How might it have been different if her husband agreed to join her? Assignments/Student Projects Relational Maintenance Strategies Dan Canary’s and Laura Stafford’s distillation of relational maintenance reports from 500 term papers suggests a possible paper assignment. Ask students to reflect on a current and/or a past relationship charting the use of the relational maintenance strategies listed in Table 14.1. The instructor can expand or contract the assignment by adjusting the number of past relationships assessed and the number of strategies tracked. For example, students may be limited to those strategies that have been identified as the best predictors of a happy marriage. Help for Relationship Maintenance Select one or more self help books or a number of helping oriented websites and make them available to the students. Ask students to select and read a chapter (or several chapters) or visit a website (or several websites). In a paper, they should discuss how closely the book or website corresponds to recommendations, based on empirical research, from the textbook chapter. Marriage Websites Ask students to visit one of the following websites and describe its content and purpose: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (; Council for Relationships (; The Gottman Institute ( Ethics “At-Risk” Ask students to read Ethics ‘At-Risk’ Test for Marriage and Family Therapists at the end of Gregory W. Brock and Charles P. Barnard’s text Procedures in Marriage and Family Therapy, Third Edition (1999) published by Allyn and Bacon. Answer the following questions: Can you construct the rationale behind the items included in the test? Are you surprised by any of the items and why? Do you think any are unnecessary or that some new items should be added? Explain your rationale. Also see: Brock, G.W. (1997). Reducing vulnerability to ethics code violations: An at-risk test for marriage and family therapists. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 23, 87–89. Fact Sheet about Therapy As a class project, ask students to develop a fact sheet or brochure that could be given to couples to encourage them to seek therapy. Ask students to include information about why a couple might seek help (perhaps encouraging getting help before problems get out of hand), what kinds of therapy they could seek, and how to go about choosing a therapist. Students could also include information about resources in your area. If a few of these fact sheets or brochures are of good quality, you could make distribution of them a class service project. Instructor Manual for Intimate Relationships Rowland Miller 9780077861803

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